talk about the hard stuff

The biggest thing I’ve realized during my first year of marriage is that people don’t talk about the hard stuff nearly enough. I don’t mean this in a pessimistic way, but in a realistic sense. Getting married was definitely a very happy occasion for my husband and I! We, two seperate people, started a life together and vowed commitment to the other. It has been a year full of love and laughter for sure!

But, marriage also isn’t easy, and the first year has been way harder than I imagined it would be. 

Combining two separate lives into one. Learning to better communicate, both about the big stuff and the small. Holidays. Living with another person. Sharing a bathroom and a bed. Navigating alone time (especially as an introvert). Cleaning and housework. And more. 

Why is our tendency to gloss over the hard in fear of discounting the good? Do we think saying the first year of marriage isn’t easy means that we aren’t compatible with our significant other or that we don’t love them enough? Does talking about the hard stuff feel weak?

Other lessons I’ve learned

• It is ok to go to bed mad, but you do need to revisit the conversation the next day.
• Voice your needs.
• Instead of trying to stick to traditional roles, base your roles off your strengths.
• Don’t keep score. Marriage is very rarely 50/50.
• Trial and error will be your best friend in the beginning. (And probably forever. I’ll let you know.)
• Sometimes you may have to sleep in separate beds, and that’s ok.
• Your relationship does not have to be the same as anyone else’s. (In ANY area, including in the bedroom.)
• On a similar note, your relationship only needs to follow you and your significant other’s timeline! Don’t give into peer or familial pressure if you don’t want to. 
• Shared calendars and notes are great ways to keep up with things.
• Say “I love you” even when you’re mad!

You are not alone

I don’t say all this to get you down or make you avoid marriage like the plague. Marriage isn’t easy AND is also truly worth it! I bring up the struggles of marriage so you know that, if you’re going through a rough patch in your own marriage, you are not alone! I recently met with two friends who are also newly married, and it was so encouraging to know that they have also had similar struggles. For more about this subject, check out “Community Matters” and “Personal Value #6: Vulnerability.”

Talking about difficulties in marriage and difficulties in life bonds us with other people. It levels the playing field in a way and helps us not compare ourselves to those around us. I will be the first to tell you that my marriage isn’t easy and is far from perfect, and I don’t have it all together! 

What about you? What’s something you’re struggling with, whether in marriage or another area of life? Leave a comment or reach out on social media!

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