I have said it before, and I will say it again: failure is not bad. In fact, failure is important for our growth as human beings. Growing up, I would avoid failure as much as I could. But today, I cope with failure in a different way.

A Secure Identity

The first step I had to take in order to better deal with failure was gaining a more secure identity. One of the biggest reasons I avoided failure was because I was insecure, and failing would just add to those insecurities. I had to put in the hard work to strengthen my identity, or what I like to think of as my foundation. For me, my foundation is my relationship with the Lord. If I am looking to God for guidance and trusting that what He says about me is true, then failing at something doesn’t rock my entire view of myself…or my house, to continue the metaphor. This was one of the hardest steps in the process, but also the most important. If you are going to consider only one thing that I say, I would recommend choosing this. 

Shift Your Perception

After you have a more secure identity (although, keep in mind that this will never be complete while on earth), it is easier to take the next step: shift your perception of failure. 

When you tell yourself that building character is one of the most important things, your perception of failure will begin to change. Instead of avoiding failure so you won’t experience temporary difficult emotions, you will do things you may fail at in order to build lasting strength. How do you normally react when you fail at something? Instead of being embarrassed or ashamed or upset when you fail, and stopping there, look for the value that can come from it. Sometimes you have to look deep for any sort of value, but it is always there somewhere. Don’t stop mining until you find the gold buried deep in the ground. 

Experience Emotions

Alongside (emphasis on this word is important) shifting your perception, allow yourself to fully experience the emotions that come when you fail. Failure is not bad, but it is also not easy to handle at times. When you throw a gutter ball while bowling with friends, it can be easier to laugh it off and move on. But when you have a big project you lead at work and it doesn’t go well, that is a harder failure to handle. No one likes to look bad in front of co-workers or their boss, no one likes to cause a bad outcome, and no one likes to watch someone else have to step in and take over. When something like that happens, I feel embarrassed. Angry. Sad. Worried. And that is ok!!!

Working through failure is what I call a both/and. You can both experience the above emotions and look for the value that is also there. 

Reflect

While going through the aforementioned steps, take time and reflect. For me, I do this in different ways. Sometimes I will take a quick second and think about what all I’m experiencing while in the moment. Other times, reflection is a longer process. I take a night and journal through my thoughts and feelings. During this time, I will ask God for guidance, His perspective, and comfort. Or, I will talk to a friend or family member about what I am going through. I often do this within a day or two of the moment of failure, but there are times when I have to put it on a shelf and come back to it at a later time. 

Redirect

The last step in dealing with failure is learning from it and redirecting. If you are driving on a road trip, sometimes you will encounter traffic or a closed road, and those can put you off course. If you don’t correct the car’s direction, you will never make it to your desired destination. The same is true in life. We all have goals and areas we want to grow in. But failure happens, and if you don’t learn from it and redirect your path, you may not achieve those goals or that growth may never happen. In fact, overtime, lack of redirection could be detrimental to where you end up in life. 

Can I Be Vulnerable?

Moment of vulnerability: I almost didn’t post this because I very recently avoided something that made me uncomfortable because I was afraid of failing. I felt like a hypocrite…but I’m not. I am simply an imperfect human in process. Avoiding failure is similar to actual failure, and these steps can be applied to that as well. So instead of beating myself up and hiding, I will look to the Lord for my true identity. I will shift my perception by looking for the value in the situation, and I will experience the emotions that come, such as embarrassment. I will reflect on all of the above. Lastly, I will learn from this moment and redirect my steps.

To recap, failure is a part of life, and it is important to your growth. Instead of avoiding it, take 5 steps to better handle failure: 1. know your identity is secure, 2. shift your perception, 3. experience the emotions that come, 4. reflect, and 5. learn from it and redirect. This is not an overnight change, but a slow process that may last all of life. All that matters is persevering and taking steps forward.

 

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