Living Like an Israelite

When reading about the Israelites journey in the wilderness a few months ago, I found that their behaviors kind of annoyed me. They were constantly doing what they weren’t supposed to do, they were whiny, and they were demanding. I just wanted to take them by the shoulders, give them a good shake, and say to them, “What are you doing? Why don’t you just remember the Lord and His goodness? Why don’t you just trust Him and listen to Him?”.

But here’s what I realized as I kept reading about them: I am just like them.

I am constantly doing things that I know I shouldn’t do (such as falling back into insecurity, letting fear control me, not spending time with the Lord, etc.). I tend to be whiny, asking God why things can’t be different, why I can’t be different. And, I am sometimes demanding, wanting God to just up and change my circumstances and take away my struggles. I am just like the Israelites.

Don’t get me wrong. Being like the Israelites is not my goal. I want to do what the Lord calls me to do. I want to trust Him and  follow Him, no questions asked. But, I am not perfect, and I will mess up. Just like the Israelites. I will need to be reminded of how he has been faithful to me in the past. Just like the Israelites. And the Lord will continue to love me. Just like the Israelites. Life is a journey, and while I am not actually journeying in the wilderness, I am on a difficult journey nonetheless. We all are.

The Honest Truth

I will be honest. Since returning from the World Race, life has been HARD! I have shared some of my emotional struggles, and those struggles have not disappeared. I still frequently deal with anxiety and depression, and I feel like I’m on a never-ending roller coaster of emotions. And, many times, I have not handled it well. I have not always declared authority over what I’m facing or trusted in the Lord. I have not always been patient or joyful or even nice to the people in my life who love me. There have been times I have beat myself up, complained, and given into the emotions and let them control me. I am just like the Israelites when they built a golden calf when waiting got too difficult or asked for meat instead of just appreciating the manna God gave them.

God still loves me. He has not given up on me. He has not left me or forsaken me. God treats me just like He treated the Israelites. He showed them grace and mercy even when it made zero sense; He does the same for me. That will never change. (To read more about God’s love, check out “Back to the Basics”.)

Just Keep Fighting

I don’t take that for granted. I choose to continue pushing forward, doing what I need to do to fight the battles I face as an expression of gratitude and appreciation. This means that I continue to go to counseling. I make small goals so that one day I can conquer the bigger, scarier goals. Instead of bottling up what I’m feeling, I choose vulnerability. And, I am choosing to go back on medication for another season. I hate admitting that, and I struggle with feeling like a failure because of it, but I also know that by regulating my brain chemistry I can thrive rather than just survive.

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” (Psalm 46:10)

The Lord promised to take the Israelites to a land flowing with milk and honey, and He did. But the time in between was hard. It was long and seemed impossible at times. That walk through the desert wasn’t for nothing though. God used the journey to show them what He was capable of, He used that journey to teach them and grow them. The journey in the wilderness was when God was glorified the most. It is the same in my life. I am learning in this hard season that God just wants me be still, stop my striving, and trust Him. That is a major struggle, and it always has been. (Read more about that topic here.) But I CAN trust Him. He IS trustworthy. That is what I’m choosing to remind myself of every single day.

“And those who know Your name put their trust in You, for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.” (Psalm 9:10)