To recap: Life is a journey, a windy road full of ups and downs, roadblocks and potholes. You know the destination, but you don’t know when you’ll get there. Sometimes you deal with something along the journey for just a season. Sometimes for several seasons. Sometimes for an indefinite amount of time. For me, the way my body handles emotions, the anxiety and depression I experience, those are things that I struggle with. Those are things that I will probably struggle with for the rest of my journey. … It’s clear now that at that point (and, really, long before) the issue was no longer a physical issue of unbalanced hormones. The issue had become a spiritual issue of not believing I had worth, of believing the lies that I am not enough and I am too much, of not recognizing the authority I have through the Holy Spirit.

(If you haven’t already, check out Living with Anxiety and Depression: Part 1 for the full back story.)

Then Came the World Race

Then came the World Race. I should have been completely wrecked by this trip, the most challenging  and stretching year of my life so far. This should have caused me to give up after month 1. I should have had meltdowns and panic attacks because of all of the new: people, countries, ministries, vulnerability, and communication. But ya know what? I didn’t!

Yes, it was hard! There were days I wanted to quit, days I wanted to go home, days I wanted to stay in bed and watch Netflix. But I didn’t give up and let it overtake me. Instead, I mustered up every ounce of courage I could, plus a little extra I borrowed  from my teammates, and I lived the World Race. Most days, once I let the Lord actually take control and begin healing me emotionally, I thrived. I felt like a new Chelsea, not the completely different person I had always prayed to become, but a better version of the person God created.

Related: Made for a Purpose: Part 1

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That’s why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12: 9-10)

Back to “Reality”

Towards the end of the Race, I decided I didn’t want to continue taking medication once I returned home. I wanted to know if the spiritual growth, and this more confident and secure version of myself, was enough to give me the balance that my medication had (mostly) given me. I was fully aware of the fact that I would possibly have to take medication for the rest of my life just so that my hormones would be properly balanced.

If you are currently taking medication, know that that is OK! Mental illnesses are medical conditions, just like high blood pressure or high cholesterol. The Lord has given us earthly medication, and sometimes that is how He wants our conditions to be treated. But, I wanted to see if the Lord had a different plan for me than taking anxiety and depression medicine for the rest of my life. I had come to terms with taking medication forever, but I wasn’t OK with at least trying to live without it.

Living Without Medication

So, that’s what I did. I had tried before (and failed) to wean myself off; this time I discussed it with my doctor, read articles, prayed, and talked with my mom about it. That first month after returning from the Race, with all of the changes already occurring, and now stopping my medication, was a HARD month. HARD!!! It was a month of roller coaster emotions, a lot of insecurity, and so many tears. I think I cried 5 days in a row one week. I had a really bad night complete with a panic attack and suicidal thoughts.

If I wasn’t dealing with the emotional symptoms, I was dealing with the physical symptoms…and let me tell you, they weren’t much better. I almost quit, telling myself I would try again when things weren’t so crazy. If the physical symptoms, the worst being an almost constant strumming in your body, weren’t so bad I probably would have given in and and started taking medicine again. But I couldn’t bear the thought of going through all of this again.

Love and Support

I wouldn’t have gotten through it if it wasn’t for my mom, a close friend from the Race, and P.S.L. (P.S.L. is an event for people returning from the World Race.) I almost didn’t go because I didn’t want my squad to see that I had reverted back to the old me, like the past year hadn’t happened. I did end up attending, and what a blessing from the Lord it was!

Hearing that what I was feeling was actually normal was a relief! Learning I have authority over my emotions, specifically my anxiety and depression, gave me a newfound sense of power! Being around my loving and supportive V Squad community brought such comfort, even though I still struggled with things I found freedom from on the Race! I learned and grew so much in that short week, adding to what I had experienced while on the World Race.

Fast Forward

Fast forward another month: life is finally less crazy. I’m settling into my new house in Georgia, building a community with my roommates, and getting ready to start a new job. My emotions have become much more balanced, and I don’t have any more physical symptoms. I still struggle with insecurity, but I have people  who support me, point me to Christ, and remind me of the authority that I carry. Finally, I’m able to cry when happy or sad, not just frustrated or stressed to the point of breaking. I’m learning that crying in church or at a TV show is perfectly OK! I’m not ashamed of my emotions, and I no longer think they are too much.

I keep praying for emotional healing. God can provide more healing, because He healed me and others before. It’s OK if I’m not healed completely on earth, and I know I probably won’t be. I’ve realized that just like the Israelites’ journey to the promised land was hard and messy and seemed never-ending, so my journey will be as well. Yet, it is in the hardest moments that God will receive the most glory. Those moments require the most trust from me and allow His strength to shine instead of my own.

A Promise from God

Every day I live with anxiety and depression and everything that stems from those conditions. Instead of claiming myself a victim, I rest on this promise the Lord gave the Israelites before crossing the Red Sea with the Egyptians close behind them. It is the promise He is also giving to me. (Read more here.)

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (Exodus 14:13-14)

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