A Journey

Life is a journey, a windy road full of ups and downs, roadblocks and potholes. You know the destination, but you don’t know when you’ll get there. Sometimes you deal with something along the journey for just a season. Sometimes for several seasons or an indefinite amount of time. How my body handles emotions and living with anxiety and depression are things that I struggle with. Those are things that I will probably struggle with for the rest of my journey.

Do Not Worry???

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been a worrier. I worried about how my hair looked, whether my friends were really my friends, and my grades. I worried about what people thought of me, such as my family, my friends, guys, random people I didn’t even know. Even though I attended church and was a Christian, I worried about my salvation. You name it, I probably worried about it. There were times when I worried so much and became so stressed that I would just melt down (sometimes to the point of it being almost like a toddler having a temper tantrum) because I didn’t know how to handle what I was feeling. I had a lot of emotions, and I didn’t know what to do with them.

An Out-of-Control Roller Coaster

My first year in college was an awesome yet also horrible year. I made new friends and got involved in new activities. So much fun happened that year, and I have numerous great memories! That year also contained classes that were more difficult than any I had ever taken in high school, struggles with roommates, and a brand new relationship.  (Basically, my identity as one of the smart kids was stripped away, I dealt with conflict I didn’t know how to handle, and I found a new guy to depend on.)

With all of that, but especially the relationship, I faced worry like never before. He didn’t feel we were right for each other and tried to break up with me more than once. Yet, I couldn’t accept it and would talk him out of it every time. I also began to experience physical temptation, and that created another source of worry. My self-confidence took hit after hit, and the idea that I wasn’t good enough and also too much grew. My emotions became more sporadic and uncontrollable…if I didn’t know how to handle them before, I sure didn’t know now.

The Breaking Point

It got to the point that I, and my mom, realized there was a serious problem and I couldn’t live like this anymore. We went to a doctor and I was prescribed medication for anxiety and depression. No longer was I just a worrier. I now had a name for what I was dealing with. This equally wrecked and comforted me. I hated being diagnosed, even unofficially. On the other hand, I was glad to finally have something to give me some emotional stability. I was ashamed and embarrassed, but I was also tired of riding a constant roller coaster. I had to fight the lie that if I just prayed or read my Bible more then I would get better. Yes, those things are powerful, more powerful than earthly medication, but at that point in my life doing those things wasn’t cutting it.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

After several weeks, I began to notice changes in how I felt. The medication didn’t completely take away my emotions, but it did help make them more manageable. That was exactly what I wanted and needed! It wasn’t a cure by any means; I was still living with anxiety and depression. Throughout college, I battled insecurity and comparison and an unhealthy dependence on guys. My emotions were more balanced, but I still didn’t know how to handle the emotions I did face in a healthy way. I attended counseling which taught me so much, but fear prevented me from taking any major action steps towards change.

After college, I continued to struggle with the things above, and I added constant guilt from promiscuity to the list. My emotions got worse and I would have panic attacks and occasional suicidal thoughts. It’s clear now that at that point (and, really, long before) the issue was no longer a physical issue of unbalanced hormones. The issue had become a spiritual issue of not believing I had worth, of believing the lies that I am not enough and I am too much, of not recognizing the authority I have through the Holy Spirit.

Then came the World Race…

(Continue reading the rest of my journey in Living with Anxiety and Depression: Part 2)